needles

This morning I went to the dentist. I had to have a filling done in what the dentist said was one of the most awkward places possible, the outer face of a wisdom tooth (and my back teeth are a bit crammed in - in fact, I think one of my sisters had her wisdom teeth out, or at least had the possibility mooted.) It wasn't too bad, I only gagged twice, and I can put up with the drilling etc. I think the dentist thinks I am afraid, because before my last set of appointments I had not been for a few years, but that was partly that I am terrible at making appointments etc and partly the lack of self-care often associated with depression.

I was talking to a friend of mine, who has chronic depression and who smokes. (The link between poor mental health and smoking was discussed in a fairly recent article on the bbc website, and I was entirely unsurprised.) She said: the normal arguments don't work, because you tell me I'll die ten or twenty years younger, and I say, great! I don't want to live!

So the lack of self-care on a day-to-day level is mostly apathy, but longer-term... well, it's hard to think long-term when you've contemplated suicide in the past and wouldn't be surprised to wind up in that place again. What do I care if my teeth fall out, I'm amazed I've made it this far, never mind thinking about the far side of the next ten years. Also I don't deserve any kind of goodness, but hey.

That wasn't what I was going to write about, really, but it's a thing that's true.

I also went to knitting this evening, a bit later than usual because I was running around trying to find a new ball of wool (which I haven't got to yet) and then I realised the bra I was wearing really doesn't fit any more, and I threw up my hands and whined for a bit.

I need to get new bras, but I am currently attempting - not with great dedication, I admit - to lose a bit of weight, and if I do then old bras might fit again, and it is expensive and annoying anyway, but then again I might be going to do a full-time volunteer thing in which case I should probably get a new one or two before then (because the shop is not very busy weekdays so I could go in and get fitted without having to cringe away from crowds.) But. I will think about it.

Sleeve Two is progressing nicely - should get to the split tomorrow, after which there's only... eighty-odd rows to go! with only a hundred-forty-some stitches in each!

Wow, laying it out like that is not encouraging. Still, Susan-from-knitting swears by doing ten rows a day, which would get this done by the end of next week, which sounds good to me. Well, the knitting would be done, I still have to figure out the grafting. Always something...